help...

there comes a point when you start screaming for help without the screaming. when that happens you know there is something wrong and you know the people who love you the most will come running to help you,.... the rest of them don't care.

Consuming Carbs Are Deadly

A drive along a long road amongst the country side always gets my neurons ignited.
My goals an aspirations start to run through my head. Mostly what am i doing here on earth gets questioned a lot. The reason i bring this up is because when driving to sacramento from clear lake to go to the air port things started to make sense again.
Once at the airport my father starts to act stupid... normally i wouldn't dare to use this word to describe someone but i couldn't thing of anything else. He is ALWAYS telling me to not cause a scene and make a big deal out of things but truth is he is always the one to start dramatic situations and somehow his brain thinks im the one to make a big commotion. Brains- funny little thins aren't they. Of course they are going out to dinner after we land with some friends as if the long flight and a day of driving isn't enough to get them tired to roll into bed, they have to add some drinks to top it off. Me being the smart daughter they raised thought about dinner for myself tonight, how am i supposed to eat when i get home. We have been out of town and i cant drive anywhere since i don't have my license. I asked to get some food at the air port, our planes delayed and in the mean time my parents are have wine and a appetizer at a airport restaurant that only allows 21 and older. My father just starts listing all the junk i ate today. Lets see he started with breakfast, i had a banana nut muffin only because my dad got breakfast at the grocery store and thats what he got me while he cooked bacon for my mom.... we all know im vegetarian. For lunch i had beans, rice and veggies apparently there loaded with carbs. Oh and a piece of cake because it was my great grandmas birthday. Did i forget to mention my father asked me to personally hand him a slice too. My father told me to tell him what there was to eat at the airport, pizza, pasta, hotdogs, and salad... hotdogs are out and so are pizza and pasta according to my dad. He refuses to get me anything so i go sit down on a a bench by myself (remember my parents are at the 21 and older restaurant.) Its funny how there always saying that we need to spend more time together as a family and i never want to spend time with them, and im the one sitting by myself. So tonight you'll find me sitting by myself at home alone as usual watching greasy anatomy with a glass of water. Opps did i say sitting on the coach i ment doing laps in the pool.

Letting it out of my hands, into the people's who listen.

I guess its true when people say that even if you ignore something, it wont ever truly go away - you're going to have to deal with it at some point.
Aftern internship, well during it mostly- i had developed this new perspective on life, i valued it more. It helped me realize who i am as a person and get through some things that i was confused about. I thought it helped me through all my problems and at the moment it did. After internship and when i wasn't watching surgery on a daily basis, some of this perspective went away. My life still changed due to this internship but a while after internship ended i realized it didn't as much as i originally thought. If i was still seeing surgery on a day to day basis im pretty sure that my life would be completely different. I don't know how to explain what surgery does to my brain, its just something you have to personally experience.
So my point is, this anxiety thing has gone on for a while, along with me wanting therapy. I have done everything in my power to take that next step with these things but nothing i do is working. Its coming to the point where all im listening to is the negative things because thats all i hear, due to trying to find the positive things for so long and it not working.... i mean who can blame me? So im just going to let it be in the control of others. I have people who care a lot about me and want to help- which i am so thankful for them, so im just going to let them take it into their hands and whatever happens, happens... im done trying. Im obviously crying out for help and the people that need to hear me the most aren't so maybe others can help them open their ears.
Im finally letting it out of my hands. I have been carrying this thing on my shoulders for to long.
-Madison Rae

1hr and 31 min

I have less than 2hrs left of being sixteen.
17, this is a big year for me.... it the year im going to be going off to college.
A fresh start awaits and lets just say im excited.

Observations

So i decided my book is back on.... im going to start writing it again. Not sure at the moment what its going to be about, i am just mainly writing about thoughts that cross my mind or things i observer or experience in my life.

Here is a little bit of what i have written. Its just my thoughts on an observation i made on someone about what i thought they were worried about, i don't know if its necessarily right but its just what i think.

*Lets both stop pretending nothings wrong. Admit it, your scared. Scared that once he grows up, you wont be there for him. You have worked your whole life in becoming where you are now. Your doctor’s credential is your world and you would do anything to keep it, you can’t give it up. Even for a baby that you have worked hard to develop. Your scared that you will be so busy at work, doing what you live for that your baby will grow up hating you. Hating you because you’re never around to be there for him. But truth is, it might be for the better.*

More to come!
Goodnight! - tomorrow i have a coffee date and mini photo shoot planned with aunt angie, should be fun- ill let you know how it goes! :)

- Madison

Love you to the northern star and back!

A lot of my friends tell me that they think I was very deprived as a child. They all think this because, things they grew up with as a child I have never heard of. Okay, maybe i didn't really know who the Beatles were until two years ago, hadn't seen most of the Disney movies till 9th grade and left an au-digraph from John Travulta on a table because i didn't think he was anyone important. I disagree with my friends, i think its just because i was an only child, surrounded by adults all the time which forced me to grow up, and grow up fast. I will admit i feel like i get along better with adults than kids my own age.

I always try to get close to the people i look up to the most. For example my old volleyball coach, she was an amazing woman. We did get really close, went running all the time, grabbed coffee and told each other everything. Then she moved and we don't have the same relationship. I guess what im trying to say is even though i would still like to be close to her, i don't want to say she doesn't, its just like she has a completely different life. Yes, i do try to keep in touch with her and even though i want things to go back to normal i know they wont. I always try to get close to people who not necessarily don't care about me but don't really have the time, instead of actually getting more close to the people who want to be closer to me.

There is this amazing, brilliant most trust worthy woman who i know is always supporting me who i call Aunt Angie. I have known her ever since i was a little girl, her house was the only house i could sleepover at until i was 13. Anyways, she always has my back and ALWAYS makes it a priority to find away to hangout and catch up with each others lives. She always cares about me and she always checks up on me. A while back i never truly realized that i have been trying so hard to get really close to someone i look up to, like my volleyball coach and my neighbor chelsea, when i already had someone i looked up to and we were already close. I spent all this time trying to get close to someone else when i already had someone i trusted and i knew they cared about me. So i realize now that i already have that one person, so instead of trying to spend my time with people i would like to know better why not spend it with the one person i just want to get even closer with, aunt angle!

Aunt angle, thanks for always caring and making sure to stay in my life...... i alway appreciate you checking up on me and your random texts! I love that we can just go hangout, and tell each other everything. I also love all the things we do, there all so different and fun, from photo shoots, having smores and talking at the hilton (which we did tonight) to blasting music in the car and singing to our song (the best day). I know i can always go to you with anything thats on my mind or just have a girl day. Love you to the northern star and back!
-Maddy Rae <3

labor pains

I will admit i have been going through a tough time lately. I am just exhausted with everything; school, volleyball, friends, horseback riding, family, and just life in general. Yes, i like to believe that i can do everything and i love staying busy. I don't know how to function if i am not doing something everyday. But, i am becoming to realize busy is not always better, its overwhelming. I have been feeling stressed, and been having some anxiety lately at school.
Rachel puts it this way: since were almost at the end of the school year, its the home stretch, getting through it is the hard part but you cant stop. Just as if you were in labor you cant stop at the labor pains you have to keep pushing until the baby is out. I have no idea how being in labor feels like, but if you think about it, it makes sense.
Im on edge everyday, my parents tell me that im tired everyday because im not eating enough protein. I disagree because being tired isn't even the half of it, there is way more to how i am feeling than just being tired everyday.
I feel like i just need an extra push.
Maybe i should start considering therapy.