Oct 29, 2011
help...
there comes a point when you start screaming for help without the screaming. when that happens you know there is something wrong and you know the people who love you the most will come running to help you,.... the rest of them don't care.
Oct 15, 2011
Consuming Carbs Are Deadly
A drive along a long road amongst the country side always gets my neurons ignited.
My goals an aspirations start to run through my head. Mostly what am i doing here on earth gets questioned a lot. The reason i bring this up is because when driving to sacramento from clear lake to go to the air port things started to make sense again.
Once at the airport my father starts to act stupid... normally i wouldn't dare to use this word to describe someone but i couldn't thing of anything else. He is ALWAYS telling me to not cause a scene and make a big deal out of things but truth is he is always the one to start dramatic situations and somehow his brain thinks im the one to make a big commotion. Brains- funny little thins aren't they. Of course they are going out to dinner after we land with some friends as if the long flight and a day of driving isn't enough to get them tired to roll into bed, they have to add some drinks to top it off. Me being the smart daughter they raised thought about dinner for myself tonight, how am i supposed to eat when i get home. We have been out of town and i cant drive anywhere since i don't have my license. I asked to get some food at the air port, our planes delayed and in the mean time my parents are have wine and a appetizer at a airport restaurant that only allows 21 and older. My father just starts listing all the junk i ate today. Lets see he started with breakfast, i had a banana nut muffin only because my dad got breakfast at the grocery store and thats what he got me while he cooked bacon for my mom.... we all know im vegetarian. For lunch i had beans, rice and veggies apparently there loaded with carbs. Oh and a piece of cake because it was my great grandmas birthday. Did i forget to mention my father asked me to personally hand him a slice too. My father told me to tell him what there was to eat at the airport, pizza, pasta, hotdogs, and salad... hotdogs are out and so are pizza and pasta according to my dad. He refuses to get me anything so i go sit down on a a bench by myself (remember my parents are at the 21 and older restaurant.) Its funny how there always saying that we need to spend more time together as a family and i never want to spend time with them, and im the one sitting by myself. So tonight you'll find me sitting by myself at home alone as usual watching greasy anatomy with a glass of water. Opps did i say sitting on the coach i ment doing laps in the pool.
My goals an aspirations start to run through my head. Mostly what am i doing here on earth gets questioned a lot. The reason i bring this up is because when driving to sacramento from clear lake to go to the air port things started to make sense again.
Once at the airport my father starts to act stupid... normally i wouldn't dare to use this word to describe someone but i couldn't thing of anything else. He is ALWAYS telling me to not cause a scene and make a big deal out of things but truth is he is always the one to start dramatic situations and somehow his brain thinks im the one to make a big commotion. Brains- funny little thins aren't they. Of course they are going out to dinner after we land with some friends as if the long flight and a day of driving isn't enough to get them tired to roll into bed, they have to add some drinks to top it off. Me being the smart daughter they raised thought about dinner for myself tonight, how am i supposed to eat when i get home. We have been out of town and i cant drive anywhere since i don't have my license. I asked to get some food at the air port, our planes delayed and in the mean time my parents are have wine and a appetizer at a airport restaurant that only allows 21 and older. My father just starts listing all the junk i ate today. Lets see he started with breakfast, i had a banana nut muffin only because my dad got breakfast at the grocery store and thats what he got me while he cooked bacon for my mom.... we all know im vegetarian. For lunch i had beans, rice and veggies apparently there loaded with carbs. Oh and a piece of cake because it was my great grandmas birthday. Did i forget to mention my father asked me to personally hand him a slice too. My father told me to tell him what there was to eat at the airport, pizza, pasta, hotdogs, and salad... hotdogs are out and so are pizza and pasta according to my dad. He refuses to get me anything so i go sit down on a a bench by myself (remember my parents are at the 21 and older restaurant.) Its funny how there always saying that we need to spend more time together as a family and i never want to spend time with them, and im the one sitting by myself. So tonight you'll find me sitting by myself at home alone as usual watching greasy anatomy with a glass of water. Opps did i say sitting on the coach i ment doing laps in the pool.
Oct 4, 2011
Letting it out of my hands, into the people's who listen.
I guess its true when people say that even if you ignore something, it wont ever truly go away - you're going to have to deal with it at some point.
Aftern internship, well during it mostly- i had developed this new perspective on life, i valued it more. It helped me realize who i am as a person and get through some things that i was confused about. I thought it helped me through all my problems and at the moment it did. After internship and when i wasn't watching surgery on a daily basis, some of this perspective went away. My life still changed due to this internship but a while after internship ended i realized it didn't as much as i originally thought. If i was still seeing surgery on a day to day basis im pretty sure that my life would be completely different. I don't know how to explain what surgery does to my brain, its just something you have to personally experience.
So my point is, this anxiety thing has gone on for a while, along with me wanting therapy. I have done everything in my power to take that next step with these things but nothing i do is working. Its coming to the point where all im listening to is the negative things because thats all i hear, due to trying to find the positive things for so long and it not working.... i mean who can blame me? So im just going to let it be in the control of others. I have people who care a lot about me and want to help- which i am so thankful for them, so im just going to let them take it into their hands and whatever happens, happens... im done trying. Im obviously crying out for help and the people that need to hear me the most aren't so maybe others can help them open their ears.
Im finally letting it out of my hands. I have been carrying this thing on my shoulders for to long.
-Madison Rae
Aftern internship, well during it mostly- i had developed this new perspective on life, i valued it more. It helped me realize who i am as a person and get through some things that i was confused about. I thought it helped me through all my problems and at the moment it did. After internship and when i wasn't watching surgery on a daily basis, some of this perspective went away. My life still changed due to this internship but a while after internship ended i realized it didn't as much as i originally thought. If i was still seeing surgery on a day to day basis im pretty sure that my life would be completely different. I don't know how to explain what surgery does to my brain, its just something you have to personally experience.
So my point is, this anxiety thing has gone on for a while, along with me wanting therapy. I have done everything in my power to take that next step with these things but nothing i do is working. Its coming to the point where all im listening to is the negative things because thats all i hear, due to trying to find the positive things for so long and it not working.... i mean who can blame me? So im just going to let it be in the control of others. I have people who care a lot about me and want to help- which i am so thankful for them, so im just going to let them take it into their hands and whatever happens, happens... im done trying. Im obviously crying out for help and the people that need to hear me the most aren't so maybe others can help them open their ears.
Im finally letting it out of my hands. I have been carrying this thing on my shoulders for to long.
-Madison Rae
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